* * * For Immediate Release * * *
April 1, 2021
Fastest Known Time LLC is pleased to announce that it has been purchased by Facebook, Inc, for an undisclosed amount. The existing management team was asked to stay for a transition period of 6 months, but when they realized they were now fabulously rich, they all said, “Screw this” and left immediately.
“We are very pleased with the acquisition of Fastest Known Time”, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said (although in reality his press secretary made up the quote). "FKTs clearly are the future of social media, so this platform dovetails perfectly with our Instagram and WhatsApp brands.”
Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operation Officer, said, “I know that you have the ability to get through absolutely anything. I promise you do. So just lean in.”
Nobody understood what this meant, especially those who have just lost their jobs or their homes, but with her net worth of $1.5 billion everyone feigned rapt attention.
Fastest Known Time LLC launched exactly three years ago with the stated goal of, “Keeping track of big runs, doing cool things, disrupting the industry whatever that means, and working seven days a week without getting paid.”
Always staying true to its Mission Statement was a key factor in Fastest Known Time’s extraordinary success.
“We’ve had many opportunities to actually make money”, stated Buzz Burrell, Co-Founder. “But that was not true to our Mission. So we resisted every growth opportunity that came our way in order to maintain our core values.”
Peter Bakwin, Co-Founder, added, “My life has gone very well. So I needed a project that required a ton of work and constant aggravation, with no financial compensation whatsoever. FKT LLC fulfilled my goals perfectly.”
Jeff Schuler, the other Co-Founder said, “Personally, I’m pleased with the Facebook buyout. Working for nothing has been great, really great, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Except I’m going to be OK living on the 140’ yacht I just purchased in Saint Lucia.”
From its humble beginnings, in three short years the website fastestknowntime.com quickly progressed to even more humble status. With Gross Revenues approaching .00002907 of Facebook’s, the time was right to optimize the market potential of these two power-house influencers.