FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
April 1, 2019 - Boulder, Colorado
Fastest known Time LLC, the media conglomerate behind the wildly successful website, fastestknowntime.com, is proud to announce it’s first spin-off website. Building on its own enviable success, the new website is expected to triple the revenue stream by leveraging existing assets with trending over-arching thematic elements contributing to the core mission values.
“This achieves Phase One of our long-term development goals”, stated Buzz Burrell, Vice-Chair of Media Relations, in a written statement. “We are fully on track to deliver shareholder value, meet Wall Street expectations, and have enough capital leftover for me to purchase another carbon-fiber stand up paddleboard."
The new website is, “slowestknowntime.com".
“This new website correctly positions ourselves in the mainstream of the market”, said Associate Digital Assets Manager-in-Training, Craig Randall. “We are aware that few people are capable of breaking Jim Walmsley’s insane time on the R2R2R, but there is unlimited potential for people to do it slower. Tens of thousands of people are fully capable of going slower than that, usually much, much slower. We want a piece of that market”.
“I’ve always felt uncomfortable with the elite nature of Fastest Known Time”, said Peter Bakwin, Associate Database Stability Officer. “Every submission we get, it's always about faster, further, harder - over and over - I’m really getting tired of it all - when are people going to stop and smell the flowers?"
"'Slowest Known Time' represents the future of the sport”, said Buzz Burrell, Lead Researcher, Archival Technology Department. “Otherwise, an athlete experiences one fleeting moment of glory, after which they pathetically chase after it for the rest of their life, which results in decades of injuries, failures, cruel disappointment, and unrelenting, soul-crushing despair."
The company was quick to point out that the new Slowest Known Time initiative was not based on the bitter defeats and terrible attitude of one isolated employee, who will be fired as soon as they can buy him out of his contract, but rather on solid demographic evidence.
“The Baby Boomers rule the earth", observed Jeff Schuler, Head Analyst for Content Creation and Management. “There’s millions of them, and they’ve somehow come to run the country. They grew up in an economic bubble unprecedented in recorded history but which they considered normal, so have an absurd amount of disposable income, which they spend freely for the sole purpose of feeling good about themselves. Slowest Known Time can provide them with that purpose”.
Shareholders, media, and employees alike welcomed the big news. “The Boomers are a virtually untapped market", noted Esteemed Sound Engineer, Craig Randall. "Modern medicine keeps them alive forever, they cling pathetically to the past, and thus are bankrupting social security and the entire medical infrastructure, leaving nothing for my generation but unaffordable housing and astronomical rents in squalid buildings they bought years ago for nothing. But,” he continued, after realizing that while he has no hope for the future, the craft beer is pretty good, “They still think their worthless lives have meaning, so we’re going to give it to them”.
Details of the new format are yet to be released. Unlike Fastest Known Time, which lists only the current and previous fastest times, Slowest Known Time is rumored to include all the recorded times, no matter how fast or slow, with the only requirement being they weren’t the absolute fastest. And that each person submitting a SKT pay the new $20 monthly account maintenance fee.
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